Hey guys. It’s been a while since I uploaded something.
My life has been normal, I guess.
But, I have noticed something. I am lonely, again. I miss having people around me, who are my age. I noticed, that I talk either with kids or with real adults, but nothing in between. I talk with people in my age online, but thats not the same. I miss spending time with people my age. And the worst part about that? I dont know how to change it.
And, I also noticed something else. When I am feeling lonely or sad, I start to read. Earlier this day, I sat down and read 100 pages. And I never read. Like, never ever. And I started to think, why I start to read when I am not feeling good. Is it therapy? Am I trying to escape? Am I just bored? I dont know. Maybe, this are my reasons. Maybe one of them is, maybe all of them are. This year I already finished 2 books, one at home, one at work. Isnt it crazy?
I feel like I have noone I could talk to. Yeah, duh, I have hundreds of people in my phone, there are thousands of people online. But, I dont want that. That wouldnt be the same. I want someone who is here. I think, I have talked about that in lots of texts here, but I just cant help it. I dont know how to escape that endless road of loneliness. I stare at my phone, at my contact list and I dont know whom I should text. Who should be the one to “save” me? I dont know.
10 minutes after I uploaded that article, and like 10 pages I read, I started crying. Is it because of the book? Is it because my grandpa died 5 years ago? Is it because I am lonely? Yes, I think so. It’s all of that and way more. I want to stay awake, just don’t sleep, but I am tired. I should sleep, I will hate myself towmorrow if I don’t go to bed. But, I do not want to go to bed, to be alone, to be wrapped up and be alone. When I am awake, I have my online comunity I can talk to, or at least, try to. But, when I am asleep? Nah, I don’t want to sleep right now.
And again, my eyes fill with water. I can’t see. I am shaking, I am sweating. I don’t know what to do. I just sit here and stare. And try to write down what I am feeling. If I am feeling.