I sent him my last blog entry called “I want to and i will”. I wrote it for him, i wanted him to know whats going on. And this is what he answered me.
“I’m really, truly sorry for hurting you. I never wanted to break up with you and certainly not the way that I did.
You scare me. The thing we had scared(/s) me. Everything about the whole thing of sharing thoughts, feelings and all about being scares me.
I panicked when you let me know just how much you felt for me, not because I didn’t love you back but because I couldn’t relate to those feelings. Certainly not understanding how you felt anything even remotely similar to that for me. Who am I to deserve your seemingly pure and fully opened heart? I did what I do the best, pushing people away, very far, very fast. Shutting off all communication entirely and distracting myself, back to the way I’ve always been.
I regret not trying to dive deeper into what you and I had, instead of diving back into my own fantasy ruled by fear. But here I am, back to my fears and I literally just woke up from a nightmare I barely could wake up from.
I don’t have any idea on how to make you and I work. I didn’t then and I don’t now. All I have is wishful thinking and hope, which is the only thing that works when wrapped in a shroud of fear. I get that you don’t want me back. I can’t really claim to have made your inner monologue anything greater than it was before, if anything I stabbed it seemingly to such lenghts that you’re still thinking about me. Even after I was a ‘insert whatever you want to call me here’.
Please believe me when I say that we didn’t work because it was me who was a chicken, not distance or you.
Sorry, but that you get a text from me everytime you try to date is pretty funny.. Sorry. That’s just.. luck? You are in my dreams and fantasies very frequently. I would love to have the chance of laying next to you and talk to you about every single time I’ve dreamt of you.
Whatever you decide upon your plan moving forward is going to be or if you already decided you must never ever stop trying and hoping.
I very much doubt you have run out of love. You gave me some and knocked me out cold. Really. Everytime you ask me if I am ‘awake’ I need to travel back and relive every dream, wish and fear connected to the time I was awake and sharing my moments in time with you.
I don’t think any of this is to find someone who fits, like a puzzlepiece to one’s own. But to change the game entirely.
If we could spend time together, I would love the ffdfss out of you. I can’t love messages on a screen. I want you, the real you, the whole of you.
Nothing less. I don’t know how to forget. Nor would I tell you if I knew.
And here we are. If you say we are done, then we’re done. I’ll help you by not texting you any more. If I ever stand in your way to happiness and freedom shoot me.
I know nothing. But thank you for letting me eat some stories. It seems to be one of my special abilities.” He, 03.01.2017
Tell me how I should think about that.