​It is one of those horrible nights again. I tried to sleep. I tried for probably 4 hours. I wanted to escape. Escape my feelings, my thoughts, this situation. But it didnt work out so well. I dont know whats the matter. I feel like crying, but I cant. I dont know why. I am sad, confused, stressed, broken, lonely. It hits so hard. This silence is killing me. Silence between us. Silence in this room. Silence in my brain and silence in my heart. 

I want to talk about it. My situation. But I dont know whats going in with me. I wish I had someone who could understand, who could relate. Someone who knows without telling them. Someone who could always find the right words to say. 

I have lots of people to talk to, but nobody would understand. Or at least, thats how I feel about it. And if a person would understand, this person is not awake or probably doesnt exist. I feel so useless. I mean, I can not even fall asleep. Wifi doesnt work either. So I am stuck with myself. 

The worst part about now is, that I have seriously no clue whats going on. All this different feelings combined in one big mess. I just want to be gone. Not be dead, but forget everything for a little while. Like sleeping. But thats not happening. For the record, it is half past four in the morning. I wish I could at least watch some netflix to pretend that everythings fine, but it isnt. 

You know that feeling in your throat when youre about to cry? That pressure? And that feeling in your chest when youre about to lose it? And the shaking body when youre in the middle of crying? Yeah, that is happening. But without tears. Its not possible to cry. I juust want to know what is hapening. 

Why can there not be like a service or somrthing that tells you whats up. Like „hey youre stressed out cause this and that“ or „hey you feel heartbroken, eat some chocolate“. I wish there was something like that. At the moment, I am so done with the world.

I am going to make some tea, bye.
Via Phone, 12.Nov.2016, binabina


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