My life has been great lately.

My life has been great lately.

I have a job.
I have a job and I love to go to work. I love to educate children. I love to work with children. I work 24h/week, or well, I get paid for 24h/week. And, oh my god, I earn more than the rest of my family. (not exactly but you know, If I would work 40h I would get paid WAY better than they are now.) And that is amazing, for me at least.

I got my own room.
I got my own room, finally. I wanted this for such a long time. And its happing! New room, new furniture, new everything. I love it.

I had birthday.
I had birthday, and it was okay. We celebrated, drank a lot. I got a car, omg, that’s super exciting! So, I have a car, I have a job, I am an adult now! Yay! The day after my birthday I got to see TwentyOnePilots, live, again. It was amazing. I saw lots of good friends, we spent quality time together and it was great.

But. I am feeling like a piece of shit more than ever before. I can’t explain why. In the one moment, I got feelings for a guy, in the other one the feelings are gone. I cannot trust my body. In the one moment, I am happy with the person I am, and in the next I hate myself for being a complete stranger.

I got a job, yeah, but I have the feeling that I don’t have time for anything. I have so many things to do, but no motivation. Or well, no time. I should meet up with my church kids, at least 2 times, but I don’t know when. I should find time to meet people, who I really like and who I would love to meet, but when?

Something I want to get off my chest is, that my ex boyfriend added an account to his Netflix. Yes, I am still using his Netflix. And a week ago-ish that third account appeared. I don’t know who that account is for or whatever. I am just afraid. Unhappy. I feel unloved. I am afraid, that that person is someone who could make him happier than I could ever done. I mean, I wish him the best. I want him to be happy. But I am just not over him, yet. I texted him some days ago, that I miss laying next to him, and falling asleep. He didn’t reply.

I have the feeling, that I am doing way too much for the people I love. I do so much, and get so less back. I show too much effort for the people I care. Doesn’t matter who that person is. Brother, best friend, boyfriend, even for strangers.

I want everyone to be happy, and often forget myself.

 

08.11.2016, binabina

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