Being an introvert

Hey, it is me. And I am officially an introvert. I feel so lost in my body. I was never like that. I always was a happy and loud and fun person, I always enjoyed being around people. But today, I just hated it. or well, not hated but there were situations where I just wanted to go away, be alone. I feel weird. I never really experienced that before. Not that I know of. And, there is nothing bad or false with being an introvert. It’s just weird for me because I never felt that way before. I changed so much during the last year.

I want to rant a bit. I feel so lonely sometimes, but I don’t want to be around people. And If I want them to be around, it’s not possible. I miss my few friends I have. My best friend moved back to Germany, the other one is moving to different city to study, and everyone else is in Vienna, 2 hours away from where I live. And that sucks. It sucks a lot. I mean, I feel like I don’t have any friends (around). I know that there are still my friends, but it doesn’t really feel like it. And that’s the worst part. That’s the one thing.

The other thing is that I don’t know what is happening with my life. What I am doing with it. Where I want it to be. Where I want to lead it. I seriously have no single clue. My plan I had changed, so now I need to find something I want to do. There would be this opportunity to do the AHS-Matura. It would take me 2 years, and its school. With all the subjects, shitty and not shitty ones. But that is exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want to attend school, not for another 2 years. I want to study, yes. But I don’t want to be stuck in school. So there is this opportunity, but if I really have to attend school, I want to attend a real one where I maybe finish with having a degree, a job. Maybe do a “Lehre”? I don’t know. Good part is, now I can do what I want, again. I am again at this point at my life where I can choose what I want to do. I wish I could work, but I can’t. So that’s shit. Yeah, end of renting.

I felt so lost today. I was around people I like. People who are fun, people who I know for a long time now. But I didn’t feel happy. I don’t know how to describe it, I felt weird. Alone. Lonely. Lonely, when I had 13 other people around me.

A friend just asked me, what bothers me about being an introvert. And seriously, there is just one thing what bothers me. And this thing is, that I am not used to feeling this way. It is just an unknown new feeling, an unknown new way of life.

I think that changes. I think it will change when I know what I am doing with my life. When I know, what I want to achieve. I hope it does change, because I am not happy with feeling the way I feel right now. Insecure. Lost. Unhappy. Lonely. Hopeless and desperate.

11.08.2016, binabina


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